confessions of an ostrich

I didn’t mean to be underground, I honestly didn’t know I was for a long time…but then I looked up and saw it was November, not May, and realised I may have been hiding a little, weathering the storm like a good ol’ ostrich…with my head in the sand. One of the things I value in life is telling an honest story, and so haven’t felt particularly able to write because I haven’t wanted, or felt able to share the fullness of the story I’ve been living in. That hasn’t necessarily changed…but I do feel like I’m choosing to enter into spring a bit more intentional and lift my head up.

These are some of the share-able moments of this last season:

The Good: 20141108_155225Despite the bleakness of this intro, there has been SO much goodness, learning and joy in the last season amidst the hard stuff. One of the most fun parts has been almost daily, falling more in love with the hubbie, realising what an incredible person he is, and seeing him realise a bit more of who he is and what has been placed within him. He really has been a place of (very patient) refuge, support and pushing me back into healthy, happy spaces. Those who know me, know how seeeeerious I can get, and Lloyd is so a perfect partner for me in helping me move from those deep places of pain, that I’m called, and are my joy to carry, back up to a place of finding hope and God’s goodness.

I also had the opportunity of travelling to Madrid for the 24-7 prayer gathering, with the leadership team of our wee church family, Tree of Life. This was an incredibly redemptive time of remembering dreams, remembering my passions and re-engaging with bigger picture Kingdom stuff that had slightly gotten pushed to the side with the hardness of life in my small locality. I was reminded of my love of intercession for the nations, being part of movements of people doing amazing things around the world, and hearing stories of hectic moves of God in my homeland 🙂

The Bad: One of the things that has been hardest in the last season is watching my little butterfly girl struggle through incredibly hard life circumstances, and how she’s landed up in very broken places of addiction and abuse. It’s been a time of me feeling completely out of my depth and simultaneously, completely believing I’m in the right place a
t the right time. I’ve had to step into a parent role for an 11 year old, and at times, for her family too…I’m at school meeting with teachers and principals, having to make decisions about this little treasure’s future and so desperately just wanting her to be free and happy. Thankfully, I’m not alone on this journey, there are a bunch of “big sisters” fighting for our girl, there’s an amazing play therapist pushing into the hard places with her, and a group of praying people who have our backs. I long to be writing a different story about her this time next year.

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The Ugly: I started to write about what I’ve found most ugly in this last season, but I’m actually done giving it more voice than it needs…especially when I have processed, I’ve cried out to God, and I know he hears our cries and answers. And so I’m leaving it there. I’m trusting in the kindness of my father that calls people back to him, that restores weary hearts, that starts little families of families, that fills me with hope, that gives me what I need…even when it’s not what I want, or think I need! I’m choosing to look to the wonderful partnership God’s given me in Lloyd, the opportunity to journey with my little butterfly and the incredible family in Manenberg who call me into my best self and lift my head back up when it has fallen.

More than ever, I need your support and prayers…I’m living in the deep end and while it’s terrifying, it’s one mighty exciting adventure!

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One response to “confessions of an ostrich

  • lexyrussell

    Loved your bold honesty and so grateful that I get to witness aspects of this in person. Praying that as we keep on walking and working and doing life that the joy in the grief and the hardness remains alongside the hope. You are beautiful! xx

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