I can’t knit, much as my nanny tried, it never quite caught on. But God has been using this metaphor of knitting, of being knit or created, to help me understand my heart and where I find myself currently.
The image is of me as a jumper and the intention was always that the jumper would be perfect, but along the way a few stitches have been dropped and knots have gotten into the pattern; it doesn’t make the jumper unwearable, or even noticeably broken, but the one who knit it knows, they know how it was supposed to look.
And so, a few months back, where I found myself was in a place where it felt like the knitter had decided it was time to fix some of the gaps, but in order to reach the holes that had formed, the entire jumper needs to be unraveled. I went through a season where it felt like my entire identity unraveled before me – I was confronted with lies I was believing about myself, lies about God and I had a few moments of panic… is this it, God? Am I losing it? And then, he spoke to me and said,
‘I knit you together in your mother’s womb, with all of my best bits, from me, from Jesus and from Holy Spirit. You are pieced together with love, each stitch brought us joy as you are the expression of us. You are our love song on earth’
Suddenly I felt safe in this unraveling as I was able to look to the creator and trust – trust that I was being unraveled so I could be re-made, trust that this was happening now because I was ready, I could face some of this ugliness in a way I couldn’t have before and trust that if I could find peace in this process, I might just come out stronger. He said,
‘I have put my safety net around you so you don’t have to create and live in your false net built of insecurities, disappointment and fear of failure. You are a risk-taker, you don’t have to be afraid, jump.’
Let me be totally honest, this hasn’t been a quick process, I’m pretty sure I’m only half way there in it and a lot of it has NOT been fun. I shared with my church family some of the more ugly moments that have brought some of the biggest victories, and I’ve had friends celebrate the little milestones when they happen…but it’s hard. It’s forced me to ask some really difficult questions about my life, my work, my relationships but I am thankful for God’s kindness. I am thankful that God holds the mirror up to me and gently reminds me that that wasn’t how he made me, I am thankful (through gritted teeth at times) to learn what humility looks and feels like and I am thankful to be reminded that we are unfinished pieces of art, of great worth, but in progress…and our life of faith means figuring that together.